As much as you’d like to rush it, for some couples it takes a lifetime to figure out marriage.
So many times in life, we try to rush through and figure out new phases right away. When you’re a new mom, you feel a little panicky when you don’t know what you’re doing. In a new school or new job, it’s nerve-wracking until you know what’s expected. When you move to a new location, you naturally want to figure out – quickly – where things are.
And when you’re a newlywed, it can be tempting to want to figure everything out right away. After all, you just made it through the flurry of your wedding. You planned your wedding, anticipated it with bridal showers, celebrated the day and enjoyed your honeymoon. Now what??
When you’re not used to living with your husband, the transition period can be frustrating.
- Why does your husband suddenly have habits you never knew about?
- Who does what in your home?
- Why are you having to negotiate issues that never came to mind before?
If you’re in that season right now, please relax.
Transitioning into married life
As hard as it may be to accept that you don’t know what’s going on, be reassured that right now is just a transition period.
One important fact to remember is that you and your husband are unique. And that makes your marriage unique. Because there’s never been a marriage partnership like yours before (and there won’t be another one like it), it’s important that you figure out what works for you. The only way to do this is to work through it all together, regardless of how comfortable or uncomfortable it might be.
Since you’re now husband and wife – for the rest of your lives – you have a lifetime together to figure everything out. You don’t need to know right now.
What to do in the meantime
Instead, take some tension and pressure off both you and your spouse. You don’t have to be marriage experts right now. In fact, your marriage relationship may not seem like it’s great – at all.
That’s OK. Above all else, keep pursuing the Lord – and each other. Know that as silly as it might sound, you’re going to need to learn to love him over the years. It doesn’t come naturally.
Figure out what your husband appreciates, and what he can’t stand. Talk to him and tell him about what’s bugging you, and what really makes your day.
For now, use lots of communication, lots of time spent together, and lots of sex … it’s a balm that will cover over a multitude of newlywed issues.
Keep in mind that as awkward as this season may be – relationally – it’s just a season. One day, before you realize it, you’ll be married for years and have a better handle on what works well for your marriage. You’ll probably even look back on your time as newlyweds and wish you had more time to enjoy more time together during the beginning of your marriage.
As much as you may want to skip ahead to a more comfortable time of less confusion or conflict, don’t miss out on the beginning growing pains in your marriage. These are good days to invest in each other, before the busyness of everyday life really crowds in. Soak in these feelings of extreme love. Enjoy the passion that God created just for marriage.
If you’re not a newlywed …
And if you’re not a newlywed and still feel like you haven’t figured your marriage out, also try to relax. Give both yourself and your husband some grace. Then pray that you can start to work together to figure things out. Be sure to communicate with each other. Talk AND listen.
Be honest about your feelings, all the while listening carefully to your spouse’s feelings. If you’ve been married for a while it might be easy to feel bitter or jaded about marriage … especially if it’s not the way you imagined it would be. Pray that the Lord will change your heart – and your marriage. Then start working together to create a better marriage.
Sometimes, you might even feel like you have figured everything out – and then life changes. Your family dynamics change or hardships enter the picture and all of a sudden, when your marriage used to be so routine and dependable, everything may seem to fly into confusion. It’s OK. You’ll need to make adjustments together and rediscover what works for the two of you.
While you may not feel like your marriage has been great from the beginning, it’s not too late to start investing in each other. Use these growing pains as a springboard to a better life together. Stay faithful to your vows, even when you don’t feel like it.
As husband and wife, your vows still matter – and you can make a fresh start at improvement right now.
Have you ever thought that it might take a lifetime to figure out marriage? If you’re married, do you still feel like you’re still figuring marriage out?
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