Why You Should Create a Haven for Your Husband {& How You Can Do It}

If you’re a wife, one way to show your hubby he’s welcomed, wanted, and appreciated is to create a haven for your husband.

When my husband and I were engaged and were preparing to create a home together, we had radically different tastes.

Registering for wedding gifts became a laughable adventure together: whatever I loved, he absolutely hated. And whatever he loved, I thought was hideous. From silverware to bath towels, we quickly found that we couldn’t agree on anything.

In the process, we learned the importance of compromise. As newlyweds, we filled our home with belongings that we both agreed on, but neither one of us absolutely loved (or hated). And it worked it OK.

The strange thing that happened over time is that our preferences have evolved … and in our compromise, we’ve actually found a style that we both like best. It’s a blend of what each of us loved as singles, but it seems sweeter to me since I know it is truly our own unique style as a couple.

This blend of personalities and preferences is a wonderful thing, because it has turned our home into a haven for both of us.
Husband and wife snuggle in a cozy haven

Why your husband needs a haven

Everyone longs for a haven, and it’s important for wives to remember that their husbands do, too.

Coming home to a haven makes your husband feel welcomed, wanted, and appreciated. And it makes him feel loved.

When your husband feels welcomed, wanted, and appreciated, he’ll want to stick around your haven.

Husband and wife hold hands

Think about stereotypical situations in movies and TV shows, where a husband feels more welcome at the neighborhood bar, or at a weekly poker game, or in a bowling league. In these instances, the wife is more of an “old ball and chain” and the husbands find more freedom and enjoyment out with their friends.

Those cases may be fictional, but I believe if the husbands felt like their homes were havens, they wouldn’t be so excited to leave.

Instead of turning into an “old ball and chain,” work to make your home appealing to your husband, too. Don’t cater only to your own preferences, and as hard as it may be, don’t center your home around your children. Include your husband in your decisions.

It’s an incredibly tricky balance, especially if each of you have different preferences like my husband and I did. But as the keeper of your home and creator of your haven, try to find a way to make your home appealing and nurturing to every single person who’s living there. Especially your husband.

Is this a tall order? Yes. Will you need some creativity? Yes. But it’s possible.

Wife and husband sit on floral couch together with their dog

How to create a haven for your husband

So often, as women set out to create havens, it’s easy to think of what appeals to us – and in the process, our husbands may or may not speak up about what appeals to them.

But the easiest way to find out what your husband prefers is to ask him. If he has an opinion, he’ll share it. And if he doesn’t have an opinion, then you have freedom to make your own choices.

Sometimes, your husband may not care about the style of your home or what fills it … he just may prefer a clean home so he doesn’t feel the burden of clutter. In these cases, be thankful for the freedom you have to decorate, but figure out a way to keep your home relatively clean.

When your tastes clash

Oftentimes, though, as opposites attract in marriage, you and your husband may be dealing with opposite styles.

If you’ve watched any show on HGTV, you already know that many couples deal with extremely different style preferences. Your husband may love a minimalistic mid-century modern, and you may long for something traditional. What if your husband would prefer to live in a rustic cabin but your dream home is an old-fashioned Victorian?

Exactly what do you do if and when you and your husband have dramatically different tastes?

If at all possible, try to steer away from a full-blown fight and look more to compromise. How can you marry your two styles together?

What really, truly matters to each spouse? Maybe you absolutely love patchwork quilts and your husband can’t stand them … can you agree on a different kind of bed covering? What if your husband wants the biggest and best TV for a media room, but you’d rather have a sitting room with a wall full of books? Somehow you’ll need to come together so that both of you find some kind of satisfaction.

You may need to get creative. You may need to think outside the box. And you may need to create different areas that speak to each of you.

When you do this, you’ll just naturally gravitate toward those rooms in your home. Unless you’re both living in a studio apartment, you may have space to spread out. (And even if you are in a studio apartment, you could each have your own spot that you prefer to relax.)

Man sits on a couch behind his Apple computer

A haven for your husband … and you

Creating a home like this doesn’t mean you should only cater to your husband’s preferences and end up in a completely masculine home. You live there, too. And you have your own preferences.

But just as you may not want to live in a hunting lodge or bachelor pad, he may not want to live with lace doilies or floral prints in every single room. (You may want to live in a hunting lodge, though. And he may really dig flowers and wallpaper.)

The key is to find ways to please both you and your husband. Even though women traditionally care for the home – and the Bible instructs women to keep the home (check out Titus 2:4-5) – you shouldn’t feel like you have free reign.

Get your husband’s input. Try to create a home that’s pleasing to both of you. (And especially a bedroom you both can agree upon.) In the process, you might be surprised with the result.

“Wives, as we work to find the balance of what appeals to both ourselves and our husbands, we can create havens that are mutually nurturing.” - Hilary Bernstein, HomeToAHaven.com

One way to compromise

Practically speaking, to help create a space that appealed to both me and my husband, I’ve learned to base the design and feel in our home on the actual space.

If it’s a home with sleek, modern lines, I try to be more minimalist in my decorating. If we lived in a century-old Victorian home, you better believe I would dig out family antiques and decorate with a completely different vibe.

This method was especially tricky when we lived in non-descript apartments and had no real style to accentuate. In these cases, I tried to focus more on basic colors more than particular design styles. 

But by basing our decorating  on the style of structure we’re actually living in takes a lot of the pressure off my husband’s style preferences or my style preferences – no one “wins” or “loses.” Instead, we have a home that looks visually appealing and ends up being a haven to both of us.

Wives, as we work to find the balance of what appeals to both ourselves and our husbands, we can create havens that are mutually nurturing.

When we do that, we can show our husbands that they’re welcomed, wanted, and appreciated. In return, our husbands will feel at home and want to spend time in our havens.

Husband and wife sit at a table with coffee

If you’re a wife, what are some ways you create a haven for your husband?

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All images courtesy of Adobe Stock and Unsplash.

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  1. In our effort to change what’s not working in our home, my husband and I together made some choices of new kitchen towels, throw pillows and living room lamps. Everything worked out great except the lamps. When they arrived the shades turned out to be darker than the picture showed. We loved the lamps so considered buying different shades. Then he came up with the idea of using the shades from our old lamps. I figured out a way to switch the shades and it turned out we liked the old lamps better with the new shades. So we put them in the bedroom and our new lamps as we originally planned in the livingroom, with the old shades. I had planned to sell the old lamps, but instead will enjoy them with their new shades in the bedroom. My husband calls me his little interior designer! He didn’t agree to paint the bedroom though, so that only goes so far…

  2. Love this. We built our home together, so we’ve gotten to work together to pick absolutely everything from door handles to siding color etc. We have actually compromised really well. One trick we used was both looking at what we needed to buy and each picking one in our head first then both saying what we like & going from there. A lot of the time we had already picked the same one or they were close enough one person would just accomodate the other. We also let one person Have more say based on the room. I got to pick more in the kitchen since i use it more, i got to design the master bedroom around a quilt i made, but he gets to hang his deer heads over the woodstove & display antlers all around the living area. There are 52 antlers visible from the couch lol. Not my preference but he loves that i use them to decorate and is always picking them up out of displays i make in the table or around a vase & telling me about them. And we both love pictures so that is easy to include and make us both happy.

    1. That’s a lot of antlers! ;) I love that both you and your husband can feel comfortable in your home because you’ve made decisions together … but still have freedom to choose what you’d like in your specific rooms. It sounds like your home is a place that’s just right for both of you. That’s a wonderful thing, Lissa!

  3. what do you do. when your husband says he doesn’t care how it looks. but you find out he does, he just was saying he doesn’t to avoid what he think would be a big fight. but then he secretly resent or hates our home. how can i make him feel comfortable in telling me what he likes or doesn’t. he thinks any opposing opinions are bad, but then holds it in and explodes.

    1. Hi Angela! I asked my husband for advice, because I wasn’t sure how to approach these questions in a way that could resonate with a man. So … here’s his advice:

      Pick one small area or one small thing to get an opinion on. Then over time, go from asking your husband one small thing to one small thing until you get his opinion on the whole room, and then eventually the whole house.

      Above all, try to approach it from “let’s fix this together.” One way to word it could be, “I’d like to change this, but I’m not sure how. What do you think?”

      These small questions wouldn’t seem too overwhelming or threatening … plus, by asking small questions over time, he could get used to you asking for advice – and he could get used to giving you his opinions.

  4. I love the last line. It makes me think about the future – when I finally create a haven for my family. I don’t want to regret not having done it years earlier. I already regret not doing it earlier (we’ve been together over six years, married for almost a year). Our home needs a LOT of work (we are apparently clutter-bugs). We have no “style” to speak of. Or at least one that shows in our home. We have mismatched furniture. No real color scheme. It’s no wonder neither of us is thrilled to be there. I mean, we’re homebodies anyway, but it’s not pleasant to see all this stuff and have nothing beautiful to look at. My husband is a bit older than me. I don’t want to finally have a nice haven for him to come home to when he’s too old to really enjoy it. I want to be a good wife NOW. I want him to come home and feel peace. I know I can do it. I just have to prioritize it and make some sort of progress on it every day. :-)

  5. My husband and I married at 34. My 2nd, his 1st. He owned his own home and had no style or cares about decorating. He literally had no pictures on his walls, with the exception of a stained glass MLB logo that was hung 6″ from the ceiling ( because there was already a nail there!!) One day, we happened to walk through JCPenney’s, and a beautiful picture of an Amish barn in pinks caught his eye…we bought it, I hung it above the couch ( what is a stud, he wanted to know!) From then on, decorating was easy…the man loves shades of pink, pretty flowers, and homemade quilts. God has blessed me beyond measure!!

    1. That is such a GREAT story, Pat! How amazing that you’ve been able to see the transformation right before your eyes. And how great that your husband loves pinks, flowers and homemade quilts. What a blessing!!

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